Triathletes read this

I’ve already given you advice about your fashion mistakes. I’ve tried to tell you how to dress. But you refuse, for some odd reason, to listen to me. I’m saving us all embarrassment, and by us, I mean mainly you. I knew you were a triathlete even though you were riding a road bike. How did I know? It was easy. You thought you were fooling people. No such luck. No cyclist is going to be wearing an Ironman jersey. Nor will they wear cycling shorts, knee warmers and CEP white compression socks. No cyclist will have compression socks pulled up high enough to go under their knee warmers. If you are going to do that, please, please look in the mirror before you leave the house. If you need compression socks and you need knee warmers what you really need are full leg warmers.

But wait.

That’s not the only reason I knew you were a triathlete. Did you know your cycling jersey comes with pockets? “OMG I didn’t know” you say. Yes, 3 pockets I very kindly tell you. You can remove that overstuffed bento box from your top tube and put those gels, clif bars and only God knows what else was in your bento box in your cycling jersey pockets. But how you say? Glad you asked. Here is a simple way to stuff your jersey. Cell phone in the middle pocket, gels on one side, house keys on the other side (Seriously though, who even locks their house when they go ride or run?). What more do you need? Chapstick? Stick that in with the keys. If it’s a long ride and you might need more then 1-2 gels, put two in each pocket and dump the keys in with the cell phone in the middle pocket.

There you go, some more sensible fashion advice. Please start looking in the mirror before you leave the house, follow my fashion advice and do us all a favor.